I absolutely love getting a little naughty during Christmas. That’s why I make it a point to either throw a Dirty Santa party each year, or to at least attend one. Dirty Santa parties are so much fun! It’s the one occasion during the holidays that I feel is dedicated to us grown ups and not the little ankle biters that are running around. Look, I may have children one day and my attitude about the whole thing may change drastically at that point, but as of right now…I just want to wear some cool Christmas t-shirts and get drunk with my good friends.

While we’re on the topic of cool Christmas t-shirts, have a listen to the craziness that I successfully pulled off during last year’s Dirty Santa party that my friend Carla threw. It was an evening of excess right off the start. We had drinks, we had laughs, and I think someone took off their underpants. I did wear a shirt that said “Lap Elf Looking For A Lap” that people liked a lot…and would like a whole lot more once they saw my Dirty Santa present.

My cool Christmas t-shirts were always welcome to the Dirty Santa parties, but were never a surprise since I wore a new one every year. These Dirty Santa parties has become something of a tradition in my social circle. We had one for fun a few years ago, just to break the monotony of the Christmas grind. We had so much fun, we went ahead and had one each year since. The whole party is centered around randomly drawing an order to picking a present from the pile in the center of the room. Each person can either pick a fresh present out of the pile, or take it from someone else. The villainy of it is what makes the whole thing so delicious!

During last year’s big Dirty Santa party, we all settled down to start the gift giving…or gift taking, if you’re as mean-spirited as I am. It was about three selections in when the first person got my present. It was my friend Sara, who opened the present and found that the only thing inside was a cool Christmas t-shirt that was designed like mine, but with the words “Available Lap” written on it. I immediately walked over and slid into Sara’s lap. I planted a wet kiss on her lips and said that I guess I belonged to her for the rest of the evening. Our friends went wild. I could see a hungry glint in all of my single, male friends’ eyes.

The party was fun before, but it got insane after everyone found out that I had brought myself as the present for our Dirty Santa game. Everyone was trading me back and forth to the point where some of the poor folks who won me barely had a chance for me to nestle down into their laps before I was taken away again. When all of the trading was over, I was in the sole possession of a young kid who I had never met before. I was a little older, but you know what? I’m still dating him to this day. Sometimes a good thing can come from being a trollop with a good taste in cool Christmas t-shirts.

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